Every Year it feels like it gets harder to know what I want to say, today. No matter how many years away I get, from the darkness of this season being my normal, this is always a solemn, hard and painful time of year. Solemn and painful because I’m aware that many remain trapped in plain sight, being horrifically abused and used for things they have no voice or choice in. I know that while most are excitedly planning customs for themselves, their kids or both, focusing on scoring a big candy haul, while the outrageous parties go on…
Behind the scenes people are dying and abused in the most horrific ways, and often those who live are forced into things that leave us wishing we had been lucky enough to die.
If like me you grew up in this and today are free, I’m so thankful you made it out and at the same time so sooooo sorry we share even one of those experiences. Sorry for what you endured and at the same time I see the strength, resilience, creativity and tenacity that helped you survive and brought you to today. I honor the battle you have fought for freedom, to have a voice, make choices and know your truth all so that you can heal, grow and live just a normal life, with everyday problems.
If you are somewhere in between, today I want you to know, that you matter, your life is important and valuable just because you are you!
You are worth every step, every bit of effort it takes to get all the way out, to discover who you want to be. I long for you to understand that not everyone lives like you are or I once did. To know that is possible to step out of their secrets and be known and cared for with no strings or conditions. I know the next few days can be some of the most terrifying and gruesome of the year. If, this year your heart is desperately trying to find a way out but you’ve always been told there is no way escape – that is a lie!
You can choose to not show up today and you get to make that choice again day by day decision by decision. I encourage you to make your choices thinking and acting strategically and with the help of safe people who have no agenda or conditions other than you getting to live your best, free life.
If you decide to test out not showing up here are some examples of thinking and acting strategically. You might stay with a friend, who is not connected, for a couple days, so that you are in different surroundings and not as easily accessible. You may plan to spend time in safe public places, if you even think you are being followed drive directly to the closest police or fire station or a well lit public place. Pick up your phone and call 911, you don’t have to go into your entire story, simply explain you think you are being followed, describe the car and ask them to send an officer to check it out. Let them see you taking pictures or a video of their car. Changing your patterns, taking different routes, going to different stores or coming and going at different times of the day are some examples of practical safety steps. These are all practical steps but they also communicate that you are thinking differently. You thinking your own thoughts and knowing truth is very threatening to them. They may ramp up their intimidation, but even that will be different, because these groups cannot and will not risk exposure. So they will be working to push you to either bring your own body to them or hurt yourself, as long as you keep stepping out of their secrets, holding onto truth and thinking your own thoughts (which is very different than functioning as a robot, using only what they tell us or allow us to know to make life decisions) is safest and best for you.
You know your situation better than I ever will; you are allowed to use that knowledge for your own safety. For example, using what you know about what they do and how they react to think through what you will say or do in response to their interactions or threats.
You are allowed to step out of their programmed reactions and use your brilliant and creative thinking mind to make decisions and plans, based on what is best for you.
You are allowed to lie to them, to withhold information and not tell them what you are thinking, feeling or what you’re figuring out and telling safe people about them.
If , for any reason you find yourself back in ritual, this year, even though you didn’t want to and worked hard for this year to look different it’s so important that you know…
THE TRUTH IS
YOU still matter, you are still good – and you can still choose to pick up from where you yesterday and keep stepping into wholeness! You did not fail; the mere fact that you were able to even consider non compliance or not showing up is a tremendous achievement, I for one am very proud of you! There is no such thing as too bad or too broken or in too deep. Those are lies used to keep you trapped. Your perpetrators count on that lie and the violence they connected to it to be more real than anything else, in your life…
it is nonetheless a lie, no matter how harshly they reinforce it. None of us are responsible for the things we have no choice in. For choice to exist we must have at least two equally GOOD (meaning no threat or negative outcome) options to pick from. When we are forced to pick from two really horrible options there is no choice and the responsibility always belongs to those who set up the situation.
If you are still in and are feeling like there is no hope for you or that there is something inherently wrong with you that results in or causes all the nightmarish bad things they do,
I can confidently promise that there is nothing wrong with you. Bad people use and abuse you for no other reason than it serve their purpose. You are stronger than you know, and there are people out here who want to know and help you. People who don’t hurt, trick or have hidden agendas. You are good, your heart is good and you have done a great job staying alive. There are many of us who have made it out, yes its hard work, but you are worth it and it is possible, don’t give up!